I was feeling really tired today. But I got up anyway and went to my weight watchers meeting this morning. I was feeling lighter and hoping that I lost a few pounds. I really wanted to get closer to my 10% goal. Seeing myself lighter on the scale was enough to motivate me to get going.
Unfortunately, this was not the week to get closer to my goal. At least, I did not get further away from my goal. I just stayed the same, 236.2lbs. No more, no less.
I feel discouraged. It has been over two weeks since I have seen significant weight loss. In two weeks, I have only lost only 0.2 lbs., not anything to write home about. I am frustrated because I feel like I really upped my game. I have been working out more and I have been very diligent about tracking. Still the scale did not move. The leaders say that this is normal, that my body is just adjusting to having lost 20 lbs., that soon I will be back to losing again if I just keep tracking and working out. If I step back and look at the big picture, I have lost an average of 1.7 lbs. a week over the 11 weeks. Overall that is a average weight loss. My expectations are getting in the way. I felt like I had lost weight this week so to not see it on the scale was disappointing. I want to quit. Quit tracking, quit moving so much, quit working so hard. I am tired.
I need to re-energize and what better way to do that than the 8 week challenge. Yes, it is 8 weeks until Thanksgiving. What am I going to do in 8 weeks? What is my goal? I hope to lose 10 lbs. which will get me past my 10% goal and get me to 30 lbs. lost. That would feel really great. Of course, I am a little concerned that the goal might be too high given the recent lack of weight loss over the past two weeks. But somehow it seems doable.
The first thing that I need to change in order to get better at tracking and hopefully lose more weight is to measure more often. Maybe my eyeballing of things is probably not as good as I think. Maybe if I measure more often I will right size my portions and head back down the road of weight loss. I want to continue to exercise and move. Maybe even change up my exercise routine a bit because maybe my body is getting too used to what I have been doing.
Perhaps, now that I have allowed myself to feel frustrated and discouraged about the last two weeks, I can move onto feeling hopeful about the next 8 weeks. Wish me luck and perseverance! Never give up!
If I feel this good then why was I on the verge of tears for my entire therapy session. I feel like I am in a good mood. But the tears are so close to the surface. Just a scratch and out they flow. I don’t trust the good mood and I feel sadness that I don’t feel this good all the time or at least more of the time.
Maybe some of the tears that are lying just underneath my good mood are tears of sorrow that I am not pregnant. The pregnancy test has confirmed it. Yet even as I struggle with depression and bipolar, I long to have another child in our family. It doesn’t feel complete yet. I can’t explain it. I know there are so many reasons that having two children is enough. I know that this is definitely not the time with me being out of work and not having a stable mood for even a month. I already feel guilty for not being there for the kids I have why would it make sense to add another child into the mix. I know there are many more reasons not to have another child. All of the reasons in the world don’t seem to be able to stop the yearning feeling to love another child. It could take another two years or so to be in a good position to have another child but then I will be thirty nine and the kids will be six and five. I wanted them to all be closer in age than that. I know that the right thing to do is to not have any more children. I just haven’t figured out how to change my longing to have more into enjoying the ones I already have.
Of course, I was not able to talk about any of this in therapy tonight. I feel like I have already talked about it. I didn’t want to repeat myself.
This week, like last week, I found it difficult to get up and go to my Weight Watchers Weigh-in and meeting. I was feeling tired and so snug in bed. The idea of getting up to get on a scale and talk about weight loss for half an hour sounded less than fun. I went anyway. I am committed to losing the weight and one of the things that I feel is going to help me along the way is attending the meetings.
The results were good. I lost 1.2 pounds this week for a total weight loss of 19.6 pounds. Considering that I felt like I might have a weight gain or minimal loss, I was really happy to see a decent weight loss. I felt like I was holding onto a lot of water, feeling bloated and blah. Guess it wasn’t as bad as I thought since I ended up losing a little over a pound. Part of me was a bit frustrated that I hadn’t lost enough to get to 20 pounds of total weight loss but that is the part of me that always seems to want more and doesn’t ever seem to be satisfied. I need to work on that part.
The Per Diem job might just come through. I was told today that it was approved to be posted and will probably be posted sometime next week. In order to speed up the process, they want to interview me for the position before I have my application in. So I have an interview on Monday. It will be another panel. I know two of the people that will be there, the director and the manager. The other two will be the clinical coordinators for the floor. I only hope that I will have it together enough to do well and answer the hard questions about my absenteeism.
I have been through a range of emotions today. This morning was all up, then added excitement about the possibility of a position. Now, I am worried about the interview and feel a bit down due to my fears around returning to work. What if I can’t do it? What if I am not able to prove myself? What if I am just not capable of holding a job? What if I am pregnant and end up with hyperemesis again? What if my depression comes back? What if I have forgotten my clinical skills? I have so many doubts and fears. I need to talk to myself better and change the doubts into possibilities. Somehow, I need to feel like I can do this, that I am strong enough to go back, that I am able to work, that I can prove myself, that I have not forgotten my clinical skills. I know I am capable. I need to make sure that the negative thoughts and doubts don’t take over my thinking.
It is hard to remember what it is like to be depressed when I feel like this. My mood is elevated today. I never know how long it is going to last or how far I will crash but for today, for this moment, my mood is good.
When I feel like this, I wonder what it is that lead me here. Maybe the exercise? the meds? eating better? reading the book on mindfulness?
Today, I think it is the exercise. The ActiveLink is really getting me to move. I want my points like a little kid wants his/her stars for a job well done. So I move. I have been jumping on the trampoline, running to the gym, doing weight training at the gym, walking on the treadmill. Today, I did almost 5 miles.
When I am walking on the treadmill, or jumping on the trampoline, I find myself zoning out. I find this great place that my mind goes to. It is quiet there. It is fun there. Everything feels right there. I want so much to hold onto that feeling, to not have it change. Maybe this is what others would call the “Runners high”. Whatever it is, I don’t want it to go away and I definitely don’t want the sadness to come back.
We regret to inform you that your application will not be considered further at this time. This is the sixth job where I have seen this message and that is only this time around. It is getting old to have job after job denied. When will I get an interview? More importantly, when will I get a job?
I am thinking that the hiring freeze went into effect for the ITS department. Yesterday, there were twelve jobs posted. Today, only one. I hope that if there is a hiring freeze that it only applies to ITS and not to all of the departments at the hospital. I am still hoping that the per diem job will come through since I think it is the best fit right now.
Searching for a job is very discouraging. You would think that it would be easy to get a job as an RN. I guess I was right to argue that there would not always be jobs available but I wasn’t right that where I got my education would hopefully give me an edge. I neglected to realize that my on the job performance would be the number one indicator of whether I would continue to have employment. Hopefully, I will be able to fix my record of absences, VTO’s and medical leaves. Hopefully, I will get another job and once that happens, I hope that I will be able to stay healthy.
I finished the assessment. Wow, I was really surprised to find out how little I move. It was really telling to see that I don’t even earn one point in a day. I know that my depression makes it so I tend to stay in bed a lot but I figured at least when I went to the gym I would have earned points. Sadly, I was mistaken. Going to the gym just brought me up to the baseline of the moving that I should be doing for my age, gender, height and weight. See the bar chart, that is the comparison to the rest of the population. I was really surprised to find myself so far on the low end of things. A real eye opener. It looks like my strategy of going to the gym, then coming home and taking a nap is not going to work. At least not if I plan to continue to lose weight and ultimately keep it off for the rest of my life. Looks like I am going to have to get moving for that to happen.
Today it started. Right after leaving the office of my psychiatrist. I suddenly felt nauseous. I thought to myself, “what did we talk about that would make me feel sick to my stomach?” The answer was “Nothing.” It was just a normal visit. I talked about how I had been, how I didn’t get the job because I didn’t have enough energy, my fears around the possibility of maybe not ever feeling capable of going to work, my general lack of energy. We talked about adjusting medications. That was it. Nothing too difficult to talk about. Nothing that I felt would make me nauseous. So, I asked myself, “What is it?”
Maybe I was hungry, my stomach was empty. Yes, that might be it. I went to Starbucks and got a coffee drink and some water. That helped. The feeling went away for a while.
But the feeling came back. Why was I having this nausea?
I didn’t want to go to my Weight Watchers weekly meeting today. I was still reeling from the news that I didn’t get the job and just didn’t want to get up out of bed this morning, especially for an 8:30am meeting. I made myself go, which I was glad that I did. At least something went right this week.
I lost 3 lbs for a total weight loss of 18.4 lbs. Usually after a week of weight loss like last week, I don’t lose much or I gain a little so I was supper happy to find out that I had lost another 3 lbs. Almost to 20 lbs. Still a long way to go to get to the big goal but not too much farther to get to 10%, maybe another month.
The meeting was also inspiring. We talked about believing in yourself and believing that you can do this. It was a good message to hear after spending yesterday wondering what was wrong with me and beating myself up for not getting the job. I felt like this is something I can control. I can control what food and how much of it I put in my mouth.
I like gadgets so when Weight Watchers decided to come out with a new gadget that tracks your activity I signed up. Today, ActiveLink arrived. I came immediately home after my meeting to get started. I was really looking forward to seeing how my going to the gym is really racking up the activity points.
Sadly, I was disappointed. There is an assessment period that I did not know about. It lasts eight days and tracks all your movement then gives you a challenge based on your current activity levels. So I have to wait for the results of my assessment before I can see my points earned each day. I hate waiting.